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Home | Busy Moms: The Importance of Caring for Your Marriage

Busy Moms: The Importance of Caring for Your Marriage

This guest article is by Marin County therapist, writer, and mom Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT.

If you’re married with children—and your life is a whirling dervish of chaos as you struggle to keep all of the balls in the air—this is for you. In all that you do for your kids, career and hopefully self, are you forgetting anyone? Is there a special person who no longer gets the amount and quality of attention they used to “pre-kids?” Hmmm???

I’ve heard it over and over. Couples come into my office disconnected in their marriages and upon closer inspection, it’s revealed that after children landed on their radar, their relationship changed. As reasonable and expected as this is when children arrive on the scene, many forget to return to caring for their marriages. The reality is your relationship needs care in order for your family to thrive.

According to Drs. John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, on the forefront of the scientific study of couples, 2/3 of couples experience “a significant drop in relationship satisfaction” especially soon after a baby is born. There are a number of reasons for this including increase in stress, conflict and over-all emotional reactivity. Once parents come out of the fog, both need to commit to carving out time for each other, to be sure the foundation underneath the family house is as strong as possible. It’s easy to forget to do this. Life gets crazy! We all can relate to that.

Here are 3 ways to begin the process of shifting attention back your marriage:

  • Re-assess your to-do list: Take a close look at your to-do list and separate out the “must-do’s” from the “should-do’s.” Caring for your marriage should be added to the “must-do” category. Whittle and shift your list and calendar to include time with your spouse – just the two of you.
  • Schedule relationship check-ins: It may sound extreme to have to schedule communication time with your spouse but trust me, for many people it comes down to this. However you fit it in, just do it. A check-in is chance to get an emotional read on one another. “How are you? How are we?” It’s an opportunity to process and hopefully work through any build-up of resentment.
  • Re-invent the date night: Does a date necessarily have to be at night? Sure, if you can schedule weekly date nights, that’s great. But for some couples, even this is challenging. Take turns picking fun daytime escapades like a picnic, bowling, lunch or a museum. If you’ve lost a bit of life in your relationship, lean towards doing activities that will incite laughter like indoor roller skating. Humor is a great way to connect.

Seeking alone time with your spouse isn’t selfish. Fear not, you aren’t taking away anything from your children by doing this. In fact, you are not only giving them the gift of connected parents – but you and your spouse the gift of emotional security and a healthy, happy marriage.

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT is a Marin therapist, writer, wife and mommy. She is also the creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com, with tools for emotional and relationship health by Lisa and other therapy/coaching professionals.

Photo: iStockphoto