Coping Tips for a Light and Bright Holiday Season- Spencer Jacobs M.F.T

Marin Mommies presents a guest article by Marin mom and Marriage and Family Therapist Spencer Jacobs.

For many of you the mere mention of THE HOLIDAY SEASON is too much too soon. This season is full of meaning for our culture and holds a wide spectrum of traditions, memories and images for each individual. It can stir up emotions and issues for many of us- even those of us who LOVE the holidays. We’ve all seen countless movies illuminating the highs and lows of Christmas but the expectations of this season can create discomforts that are very real. The bright side is many of these issues can be helped with insight, planning and support. We cannot always control the effects of stress or even it’s root cause, but we can take steps to reduce the impact of stress before it de-rails us and the ones we love most.

Here are a few tips to keep you and your family light and bright this holiday season:

• Consider your history with the holidays. Do you find yourself feeling low every year at a certain day or time? Will this be the first holiday since the loss of a loved one? Does an annual event leave you rattled each year? Alter traditions that leave you feeling low or stressed. Add new rituals that support your current life and do your best to avoid events that don’t make you feel good.

• Once you understand your history and feelings, honor yourself by staying true to them. The best way to reduce outbursts and overwhelming feelings is to remain honest with yourself. Allow yourself to lay low or take time for yourself if you need it. Don’t force fun when you don’t feel it. If you must participate in an event that you are dreading, create a plan that takes the pressure off- drive your own car, invite a buffer to join you, or leave early.

• Set realistic goals around time and money. Make lists of all of the people you plan to give gifts to this year and set a total budget. Use the same diligence while perusing the calendar- decide how many events your family can handle each week and skip what doesn’t fit inside of these boundaries. Check local resources to find free or low cost activities and get crafty with gifts for neighbors, teachers and family friends.

• Limit drinking and pay attention to what you eat. The Christmas cocktails sometimes get us through... but do they really? If you are struggling with low mood or depression it is important to remember that alcohol is considered a depressant and the food we eat plays a large role in our mood. You don’t have to skip the cookies entirely (or that celebratory glass that you love to raise) just don’t eat the whole tin.

• Be realistic. Be flexible. Families grow and change each year. Not every year is going to be as good (or as challenging) as the last. Stay in tune with what works and cast aside rituals and expectations that don’t. This leaves room for new traditions to blossom and allows your children to feel they are part of the process.

• Set aside differences. This is a toughie. While it is unhealthy and unrealistic to pretend things don’t bother us, it can be healing to re-connect with family and friends. When possible, accept family and friends as they are. Leave old scores aside and see what new connections and memories you can create as a way to breath new life to old relationships. Everyone deals with holiday stress differently and with a little understanding and patience you may find compassion for the ones who bother you most.

• Take care of yourself!!! Protect the exercise and spiritual rituals that keep you sane. Add a candle-lit bath to your week. Get out for a brisk walk if you’re short on time or feel stress closing in. Make time to talk with friends, stay in and watch a movie with your loved ones. Exercise and self-care actually combat the bio-chemical impact of stress and depression.

• Get in touch with the spirit of the holidays. Find ways to make the ideals of charity, cheer and time with loved ones an opportunity rather than standards that you use to judge yourself or others. Seek small ways to honor the meaning that these elements hold in your life and create your own unique way to celebrate them.

• Most importantly, get the help that you need. Marin County is home top notch therapists, medical doctors, behavioral specialists, treatment centers and child care providers. If things become out-of-control or unmanageable, reach out. As a Marriage and Family Therapist I am available for consultation, crisis intervention, counseling and referral service.

Now for the children...here are some basics that will decrease stress for your kids during the frenzy of the holiday season.

• Recognize the signs of stress or anxiety in your child. Are they acting out for what appears to be no reason? Crying? Regressing? Complaining of a stomach or head ache? You know non-normative behavior when you see it. Use your expertise as a parent to take the pressure off your child in the way that best meets their needs.

• Stick with their routine as much as possible. This is especially important surrounding sleep and nutrition. Of course there will be a few nights out past bed-time and some extra cocoa, but try to notice the impact this has on your child and get back to basics the following day.

• Keep an eye on the way your children react to the increase or decrease of attention inherent in family gatherings. In many cases, extended family attention and doting is helpful for both children and parents, but for many little ones too much time in the spotlight is overstimulating. Check in with your children verbally or create quiet moments to gauge their state of mind. Create boundaries around what is healthy for your kids and stick to them.

• Kids need boundaries too. Before going into a store or to a party, speak with your children about your expectations for their behavior and review the consequences. Be prepared to leave the event if your child steps outside of your parameters.

In the case of a mental health or psychiatric emergency call 911 or the Bay Area Crisis Support Line immediately. For more info, visit  http://crisissupport.org/crisis_line or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or 1-800-SUICIDE.

Spencer Jacobs is a Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Mill Valley. You can contact her at 415-968-5566 or visit spencerjacobsmft.com