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Home | How Do I Gain Cooperation from My Toddler?

How Do I Gain Cooperation from My Toddler?

Marin Mommies presents a guest article by child behavior specialist and Montessori teacher Terese Bradshaw.

Does this sound familiar? Mom has told 2-1/2 year old, Sarah not to run out into the street, but she does it anyway. Mom firmly tells her “No”, but Sarah just gives Mom that devilish little look that seems to say “You can’t make me” and tries to run away. What’s a parent to do? Some parents might believe punishment, like a time-out, slap on the hand or spanking would solve the problem. They believe that these punitive measures would teach the child a lesson. Other parents might believe that explaining to the child the dangers of the road will prevent them from running out into the street. None of these methods are very effective or helpful with a toddler. I am often asked “How do I get my toddler to stop a dangerous behavior like running out in the street or taking off in the store?” First we must understand the world from our child’s perspective. Renowned parenting author Jane Nelsen, of the Positive Discipline series of books, shares her insight into the world of the young child:

“Children under the age of three do not understand ‘no’ in the way most parents think they do. (And a full understanding of 'no' doesn't occur magically when the child turns three. It is a developmental process.) ‘No’ or ‘don’t’ are abstract concepts that are in direct opposition to the developmental needs of the young child to explore his world and to develop his sense of autonomy and initiative.”

Your little one may appear like he “knows” that you don’t want him to do something, and will often give you that cute little grin right before he openly defies you, but what you don’t see is a young child’s inability to comprehend the world the same way an adult does. His understanding lacks the internal controls needed to halt his internal drive for exploration. Leading researchers like Jean Piaget discovered that young children lack the ability to understand cause and effect. This is why it is not helpful to try to verbally convince (lecture or coax) a child into doing what you want.

I invite you to try the following demonstration developed by Piaget, in order to gain a better understanding of why children can’t understand concepts such as “no” the same way we can. Find two glasses that are the same size, one glass that is taller and thinner, and one glass that is shorter and fatter. Fill the two glasses that are the same size with water until a three-year-old agrees they are the same. Then, right in front of her, pour the water from one of these glasses into the short, fat glass, and the other one into the tall, thin glass. Then ask her if they are still the same. She will say, "No," and will tell you which glass she thinks contains the most water. A six-year-old will tell you they contain the same amount and can tell you why.

When we understand that perceiving, interpreting, and comprehending an event are very different for young children, our expectations as adults change. So how do we gain cooperation from a young child? Now that we have a better understanding of how they think, do we just allow them to do whatever they want? No, but our approach must match their understanding. Our methods to gain cooperation should be kind and firm at the same time instead of controlling and/or punitive.

If you are tempted to help your child learn by guilt, shame, or punishment, you will be creating discouraging beliefs (a sense of guilt and shame) that are difficult to reverse in adulthood. During the first years of life, your job is to keep your child safe without letting your fears discourage her. For this reason, supervision is an important parenting tool, along with kindness and firmness while redirecting or teaching your child. Distraction and redirection work well with toddlers. Toddlers also love to help. So utilize that need to help and our need to redirect into a more positive activity. “Can you help Mommy and hold this small bag?” or “Can you tell Mommy when all the cars stop at the stop light, so we can cross the street?” Or “Would you like to hold Mommy’s hand or hold onto my pant leg while we cross the street?” Then it’s supervision, supervision, supervision.

Parents almost always cite the danger of a child running into the street as a justification for spanking a toddler. Reasons include the life and death nature of the situation, the need for immediate compliance, and the effectiveness of a spanking for getting a child's attention. The thing they forget is that to a toddler, an angry, shouting, spanking parent is probably far more frightening than any street.

Ask yourself this question? "After you have spanked or punished your child to teach her to stay out of the street, will you now allow her to play in front of a busy street unsupervised?" We can't expect her to have the maturity and judgment to have that responsibility. Toddlers are experiencing individuation, learning to see themselves as separate, independent beings. It's a natural and healthy process, but one that is frequently trying for parents. Adults can't always avoid these confrontations, but changing your own behavior and expectations can lessen their impact.

Terese Bradshaw is a certified positive discipline trainer and Montessori toddler teacher with 28 years' experience teaching in Marin County. Visit her online at www.positiveparentcoach.com, www.montessorifortoddlers.com. Terese also produced a video for the new Oprah Winfrey Network to promote a quality parenting show based on the principles of Positive Discipline:
http://myown.oprah.com/audition/index.html?request=video_details&response_id=3240&promo_id=1
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