Mothers’ Guilt by Dr. Mical Falk
June 2, 2007
Posted by pamela |
We're happy to present another post by a guest contributor. This time we welcome Marin County therapist and mom Dr. Mical Falk.
All mothers know too well the feeling of guilt. For some, guilt feelings start during pregnancy. For others guilt sets in as a result of the birth taking a different course then what the woman had hoped. And yet, for many others an unsuccessful nursing elicits intense feelings of guilt. And the list goes on: Mothers feel guilty about their baby’s sleep patterns, about their thoughts and feelings while waking up at night being sleep deprived, for feeling bored entertaining their child every day, for not spending enough time with their kid, for not being the mother they thought they’ll be, for working, for wanting alone time, for being too strict or too lenient in disciplining their child, and so on.
Young children’s innocence, dependency and vulnerability increase feelings of guilt when a mother feels she might have hurt her child. However, today, more than ever before, many mothers perceive almost everything they do, or do not do as potentially damaging to their kid/s, making mothers vulnerable to excessive guilt and self-blame.
Feeling guilty, mothers hide their imperfections, fearing they are the only ones who do not follow closely the script of current mothering ideals. The secrecy surrounding the true experience of mothering, and the mask of perfection moms put on in the need to protect themselves, perpetuate the culture of judgment and competition among mothers, which deprive them of a much needed compassionate support.
Guilt has a high toll on mothers stress levels. Minimizing excessive guilt is tremendously important for a mother’s well being. The following are the first steps in the process of becoming Guilt-Free:
All mothers know too well the feeling of guilt. For some, guilt feelings start during pregnancy. For others guilt sets in as a result of the birth taking a different course then what the woman had hoped. And yet, for many others an unsuccessful nursing elicits intense feelings of guilt. And the list goes on: Mothers feel guilty about their baby’s sleep patterns, about their thoughts and feelings while waking up at night being sleep deprived, for feeling bored entertaining their child every day, for not spending enough time with their kid, for not being the mother they thought they’ll be, for working, for wanting alone time, for being too strict or too lenient in disciplining their child, and so on.
Young children’s innocence, dependency and vulnerability increase feelings of guilt when a mother feels she might have hurt her child. However, today, more than ever before, many mothers perceive almost everything they do, or do not do as potentially damaging to their kid/s, making mothers vulnerable to excessive guilt and self-blame.
Feeling guilty, mothers hide their imperfections, fearing they are the only ones who do not follow closely the script of current mothering ideals. The secrecy surrounding the true experience of mothering, and the mask of perfection moms put on in the need to protect themselves, perpetuate the culture of judgment and competition among mothers, which deprive them of a much needed compassionate support.
Guilt has a high toll on mothers stress levels. Minimizing excessive guilt is tremendously important for a mother’s well being. The following are the first steps in the process of becoming Guilt-Free:
- Trust your internal wisdom instead of following parenting trends
- Create realistic rather then impossible expectations for yourself
- Allow yourself to ask for help rather then expect to do it all by yourself
- Accept your challenges - mothering is a learning process
- Finally and most importantly—form a close authentic relationship with another mom with whom you can honestly share your deepest feelings and thoughts about your everyday life as a mother. This would help normalize your experience more than anything.
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