With Halloween rolling around, it's once again time for the annual tradition wherein parents examine the contents of the children's trick-or-treat bags. Ostensively, this time-honored task is done so Mommy and Daddy can look for dangerous things—like nuclear waste and poisonous snakes—that Bad People may have put in there. The real reason, of course, is to take inventory of all the good candy and separate it from the funky stuff. Here's this year's top- and bottom-five Halloween candies, as ranked by our panel of experts (i.e. me):
The Top Five
All but one of our top five picks are miniature versions of full-size real-life chocolate-based candy bars. Certainly, some are better than others; note that Almond Joy and Mounds don't make the list. If you give out these, you're pretty guaranteed not to get your car egged or your jack-o-lanterns smashed by ungrateful children.
- Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Reese's are the ne plus ultra of candy bars, IMHO.
- Kit Kats. Too sophisticated for the kids. Better confiscate these.
- Peanut M&Ms. The little Halloween candy-sized packets of these and their plain siblings hold a surprisingly large amount of M&Ms.
- Snickers. Do I really need to add any explanation here?
- Candy corn. The traditional Halloween favorite, in here for purely sentimental reasons.
Honorable mentions: Rolo, Tootsie Pops, Whoppers, Twix, Mars Bar.
The Bottom Five
Most of these candies only see the light of day the morning after Halloween. I mean, really—have you ever bought any of these of your own free will? Do you see them in vending machines? Didn't think so. I have a theory that there are vast warehouses full of these—all of which were manufactured back in the Kennedy administration—that they distribute to cheapskate Halloween candy buyers every year. Really, don't waste your money on these. You'd be better off leaving your porch light extinguished and hiding in the back bedroom pretending not to be home until trick-or-treat time is over (around 9 pm or so in most parts).
- Sweetarts and Smartees (tie). More or less the same thing, which is chalk mixed with sugar and citric acid. You only eat these when you're really desparate for something sweet. And tart, naturally.
- Pixy Sticks. Really more paper than candy, and you always end up eating a bunch of soggy paper before you can get all the candy powder out of the things.
- Jujubes. Hard and tastless. Plus they stick to your teeth, forever. Yecch. Might as well be in the Whizzo Quality Assortment.
- Double Bubble Gum. These things are always hard as a rock, and there seems to be an endless supply of them, supporting my warehouse theory. At least they could throw in a little comic strip like Bazooka Joe does.
- Zagnut. Again, a candy bar from the warehouse. Has anyone actually seen one of these in the wild? Ever? And no, I don't mean in 1961. No matter how rare, you always end up with at least one.
Dishonorable mentions: Chocolate covered raisins, Bottlecaps, Dum Dums, Now and Later, Milk Duds.
So that's it. If you disagree with my highly subjective lists, please feel free to let me know by leaving a comment.
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/8136496@N05/ / CC BY 2.0