How to Help our Children in Times of Crises

It goes without saying that there's been a lot of upsetting and downright saddening news lately from around the globe, especially in Japan and the Middle East. How does exposure to this bad news affect your children? Marin marriage and family therapist Kate Brennan offers some insight on how to help children during events like these.

In the last few weeks we have seen the Middle East begin to make dramatic shifts and tragedy has stricken our neighbors across the Pacific in Japan and New Zealand. Events are unfolding across the globe it seems in rapid succession lately. There is hardly time to process an event before another seems to unfold. This can stir inside us a sense of our own vulnerability and powerlessness. It is useless to ignore the impact that this has on our lives and losing all hope doesn’t seem like a good option either. What do we tell our children (if anything) about these events? How do we stay connected to our children during times of stress?

What we communicate during a time like this can help to plant seeds of compassion and resiliency in them. But first we must find it in our selves. It is expected that these events would take their toll us. Finding our center in the midst of the chaos will shine a light for our children. Mourning for what is lost, what will never be again and the changes that are occurring (either by choice or not) is a gift if we let be one. But it is also a process. We must allow what ever is being stirred in us some room to be there. Taking time with our selves and offering compassion for our own grief and confusion helps us to find our way back and provides a model of compassion for our children.

Screening what children see or read is certainly recommended, especially for the very young who do not have the ability to make sense of such catastrophic events. Direct exposure via news will only serve to set the stage for anxiety and confusion. Children under 12 should be protected from direct exposure. However, our children are witness to this on a much subtler level whether we want it or not. As parents we want to protect our children. It is in our nature to do so. But we know that we cannot always. So, what can we do when suffering enters our lives and impacts us? We can teach our children that faced with adversity we can grieve and we can persevere. We are reminded of life’s fragility in times like this and we can use this to be present for others and most importantly we can love. May we all turn to the people we love and those in need and offer those gifts.

In a message dated March 15, 2011 the Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh wrote to the people of Japan:

Dear friends in Japan,

As we contemplate the great number of people who have died in this tragedy, we may feel very strongly that we ourselves, in some part or manner, also have died.

The pain of one part of humankind is the pain of the whole of humankind. And the human species and the planet Earth are one body. What happens to one part of the body happens to the whole body.

An event such as this reminds us of the impermanent nature of our lives. It helps us remember that what's most important is to love each other, to be there for each other, and to treasure each moment we have that we are alive. This is the best that we can do for those who have died: we can live in such a way that they continue, beautifully, in us.

Here in France and at our practice centers all over the world, our brothers and sisters will continue to chant for you, sending you the energy of peace, healing and protection. Our prayers are with you.

Thich Nhat Hanh

 Kate Brennan, marriage and family therapist, received her bachelor’s degree in psychology from University of California Berkeley and her master’s degree in counseling from University of Southern California. She has been practicing in Marin since 1994 working with children, adults, and families. She specializes in family-centered issues such as post-partum depression, developmental and family trauma, attachment, temperament counseling, parenting, and media’s impact on family life. Her training is in family systems therapy, attachment parenting, humanistic psychology and trauma therapy. Her knowledge and training in mindful based relaxation techniques is also used to help children and families learn the tools to deal effectively with anxiety and stress. Visit her online at www.marintherapypartners.com, or contact her at (415) 453-1402 or kate@kebrennan.com.