How to Find Your Mothering “Zen”
Marin Mommies presents a guest article by Melissa Lapides, Marin mom, licensed marriage and family therapist, and parent educator.
As a mother, it is sometimes hard to find peace in a busy day. I am not just talking about the kind of peace that you experience by the few valued moments that you actually get to sit down and relax, but about the inner peace that makes you feel connected to your purpose in being a mother.
Sometimes you can get so caught up in the daily routines and emotions that it is hard to connect to what you are really working towards as a parent. Raising children can feel busy and repetitive at times and sometimes you can loose sight of what you are really trying to accomplish. Are you working towards how many activities you can successfully get your children to participate in or are you working towards raising your children to be self-confident, self-reliant adults.
As a parent, you want to provide not only love and compassion, but also rules and guidelines to live by so that you can send your child out into the world with a sense of value and self regard. The main point in discipline is not to have children become good followers, but to have children develop a sense of self-discipline and worth.
When you can connect to your own sense of purpose as a parent, the role becomes so much more rewarding and the daily repetition can feel much more meaningful. If you are going about the day without a sense of being connected to your purpose as a parent, the child will internalize these feelings and have a harder time connecting to their own sense of worthiness.
This is not a cure for feeling angry or frustrated with your children, but a way to keep things in perspective and remember the outcome you are trying to accomplish.
Being a mother is no easy task, but remembering these few things will help guide you toward meaning and give you the tools to teach your children based on values.
- Define your values—What is it that you really want to teach your children? Have you ever thought about your five most important family vales and how you can work towards those in your parenting? If you first define your values, it becomes easier to discipline your children because you can connect your expectations to what value you want to help instill. So many times parents have rules for their children just because you think that is how it is supposed to be. Figure out why you are trying to discipline your child based on your values and then you will be able to stand strong in what you are teaching. Do not allow the outside world to dictate your family’s priorities and values.
- Do not compare yourself to others—everyone else’s life looks so much easier and that is because you aren’t living it!!!! There is no such thing as perfect parenting. It may appear that way when you are at the supermarket and you see another mother with her three well-behaved kids, but really you have no idea what goes on in her life. Sometimes, if you really knew what other people had to deal with you may just be willing to choose your own problems over theirs. Everyone has s#%t and if they say they don’t they are full of it, literally!
- Don’t wait to be happy—Thinking you will be happier when X,Y, and Z happens, leaves you little time to focus on what you can be happy with in the moment. Don’t ever forget to count your blessings. Even when you are down and out and life seems unbearable it is important to search for some light amongst the darkness. Holding hope and connecting back to your purpose can get you through the toughest of times.
- Be empathic—Instead of trying to “fix” every problem try using empathy instead. Reflecting and listening go way farther in connecting that trying to find an answer. For example if your child tells you that someone hurt their feelings, instead of telling your child what action they should take, try reflecting back to them how this interaction must have made them feel. Empathy goes a long way!
- Don’t over-schedule—It sounds great to have your child cultured and educated in many different activities, but it can get to be really overwhelming to a child and to the parents to accomplish going to so many places and doing so much. The best education a child can have is learning how to develop deep meaningful relationships and the exciting news is that this is totally free of charge and can all happen in the comfort of your own home.
- Teach responsibility—Families are teams and everyone can do something to contribute to what needs to get done. Teaching kids to do their part not only gives them a sense of worthiness but also can give you a break from having to take on more than necessary. Although children may testify at first if they are not used to helping out, eventually they will learn to be responsible, appreciative and empathic.
- Feel comfortable setting limits—Children thrive on having structure, consistency and healthy boundaries. Don’t be afraid to say no when it feels like too much for you. You will teach your children how to take care of themselves emotionally if you model healthy boundaries. Children need you to parent first, and be their friend later!
Melissa Lapides is a licensed marriage and family therapist, mother of three young children, and a parent and birth educator. Her passion is to empower and support parents, as she knows how challenging it can be. She is the founder of Parenthood Partners in Kentfield which offers family counseling, in home parent coaching, individual and couples counseling and parenting groups. www.parenthoodpartners.com
